The World Is Not Enough


Brewery and Country of Origin: Anheuser-Busch, Inc. of 1 Busch Place, St. Louis, MO 63118, USA

Date Reviewed: 4-01-15

Books are beautiful. In an instant, they can magically teleport your mind from the bed linen and couch filled suburbs to the Amazon Rain Forest, the bottom of the ocean, Ancient Greece, Neptune, or even Hogwarts. The real beauty of books lies in the form of your imagination. Text may help conjure up various images, thoughts, or ideas, but it's your imagination that interprets all of the little pieces of everything it reads, and crafts an entire world out of it. The taste of Turkish Delight, the smell of low tide, or the sound of a thundering steam engine. A book is more than just a story or words on a page. It's an instruction manual for your mind to reproduce the author's world as they imagined it. And even more special is that each time a book is interpreted, everyone's world is different, because no one thinks exactly the same way, and no one has an identical imagination. A book is a ticket to any destination at any time and place ever conceived by thought. And yes, we may be sounding like a cheesy motivational puppy poster in an elementary school library, but it is hard to deny the power of books when they are married with the creativity of the mind. The same can be said about a Rembrandt masterpiece, a Ludovico Einaudi concert, or a Spielberg blockbuster. Art may only be heard or seen, but it can inspire imagery that entices all of your senses. The same can be said about taste. Food and drinks can also transport the mind to faraway places or different times in history. Anything from childhood memories to a past vacation along the French Riviera.

Back in the spring of 1965, as the country was protesting the draft and the Vietnam War, the World was heavily invested in exploring space, and hippie music was on a total global conquest, the masterminds over at Anheuser-Busch began working on an idea that would forever change the beer industry. The idea was, they would craft a beer so vibrant, so flavorful, and so universally accepted that not only would it immediately be recognized by the world's beer community as the best beer ever produced by humanity, but it would deliver an experience so profound, so jaw-dropping, that it would change the way we think of art. Creating such a beer wouldn't be easy, even for the world's largest brewer, and pursuing its creation would prove to be the single most ambitious as well as controversial undertaking in world history. In its fifty year long development, AB Inbev's "master beer" would be the spark which would incite numerous civil wars, global conflicts, culture-shifting protests, and eventually push the Cold War to its most delicate and tense moments in the early 1980s, when President Ronald Regan and the Soviet Union both vowed to win the nuclear arms race in an effort to control the brewery's intellectual property. Once word of a new super beer reached the global corridors of power, the higher ups at Anheuser-Busch became the focus of various assassination attempts, terrorist attacks, and government corruption. In 1970, after a five year long world wide poll, it was decided that the beer would be made to emulate the sensory experience of the Mayan Coast of Mexico. A beautiful 88F sunny day with a gentle breeze, crisp ocean air, tropical cuisine, gorgeous models as far as the eye can see, and the most perfect vacation imaginable. All of this for what was then, the equivalent of $2.50? In most people's minds, it was worth the prospect of an apocalyptic nuclear war. AB would go on to further develop the details of the beer, which would use only the purest ingredients sourced from the world's most fertile locations perfect for growing hops, barley, and yeast strains used in only the most prestigious sub-tropical beers. It would be eventually revealed that President Richard Nixon would resign in the face of inevitable impeachment over events surrounding the famous Watergate Scandals, in which he and his administration attempted to use both the FBI and the CIA to extort information about the superbeer from company officials. In 1979, after more details were unearthed about the beer's potentially "magical" powers, it was announced that the Soviet Union would launch a full scale nuclear attack on the United States and its allies if they didn't receive the beer's secret brewing recipe by June 1st, 1985. It was only by sheer luck, that newly appointed Mikhail Gorbachev wasn't much of a fan of Budweiser. His dislike for macrobreweries led to his restructuring of the Soviet Union, as well as his policies of Glasnost as well as Perestroika, which would ease tensions between the Soviets and President Ronald Regan. The hostile takeover of a strategic Anheuser-Busch Embassy in Kuwait would lead to the Gulf War in the 90s. In 1999, it was decided that the beer would be known as "Bud Light & Clamato Chelada," using only the best Italian tomatoes and the finest Atlantic clams alive. Recently, brewmaster Edward Snowden leaked classified information about the NSA's controversial surveillance tactics used to gain insider knowledge of the beer's release, which would once again stir up tensions between the United States and Russia, who was beginning to ramp up their efforts to compete in the global beer race, having recently completed the acquisition of the Pabst Brewing Company in 2014.

Nine US Presidents, 16 wars, 7,253 workplace related sexual harrassment lawsuits, and over $2.917 trillion in investments later, Anheuser-Busch's half-century in-the-making magnum opus was released to immediate and widespread critical acclaim. Despite initial concern that the beer might turn into another overhype, underperform example of art driven megaprojects, the beer sold out in twelve seconds. There is currently a 349 year waiting list for a small chance to be placed in a lottery which determines who will be entered into a sweepstakes which will decide who gets placed into a secondary lottery which picks who has the rights to purchase a spot on another 475 year waiting list to buy the actual beer. Though jumping spots through bribes and spot selling has been made illegal via the preeminent Toronto Treaty of 2014, many of the world's rich and famous have still paid holders of higher spots amounts in excess of $300 million in order to try the beer while they're still alive. Fortunately, we were able to get our hands on a can of the beer, which has been featured in numerous pop music videos, summer action blockbusters, and even a Susan Grafton mystery novel through a friend named Kate in the Royal Family. So, in our humble beer appreciating minds, was it all worth it?
Date Sampled: 12-26-14 At: 146 Fiddlers Hollow, Penfield, NY 14526, USA
Beer Style: Fruit/Vegetable Lager
Alcohol by Volume: 4.20%
Serving Type: 25 oz Can, 16 oz Mug Glass
Rating: 4.93

Look

At first glance, this beer's rather unusual, if not, striking appearance may initially turn off the traditionalist, but once you look deep into this beer's vibrant pinkish hue, you'll understand why the world's Doomsday Clock was set to two minutes to midnight as a result of conflicts over this beer. The word "Brilliant" was invented for the awe-inspiring colors of this beer, which has the same self-generating luminosity of a middle sized star. This beer's effervescent effect cascades with the immense power of Victoria Falls, and its swirling cloudy appearance has been compared to that of the massive storm of Jupiter known as The Great Red Spot. This beer has a foam head whose white color is so pure that the World Health Organization has recommended all consumers must wear sunglasses when handling it. This beer's color is said to inspire thoughts of colorful Cinco de Mayo celebrations, and the tropical fruits and spices that comprise the revered foods of Mexico.

Aroma

There is no amount of tropical fruits, spices, ocean breezes, or Central American flowers which can produce an aroma that brings about even a fraction of the pleasure that the olfactory senses experience when sampling this beverage. The world's collection of gourmet bakeries smell like fermented rat urine when compared to the actual urine produced by drinking this beer. It has been scientifically proven that even after the nerves in the noses of lab mice were disconnected from their brains, the world changing aroma of this beer is the only thing the mice were still able to smell. It even helped them find miniature wedges of cheese in a maze, which scientists are still trying to fully understand. The only unfortunate thing about this beer's aroma is that everything else seems to smell awful afterward, and the beer has been criticized as being "alarmingly addictive" for its aroma.

Feel

Go outside and look up. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's a voluptuous poofy cloud straight from heaven and laced with gold, giving you a full body hot oil Swedish massage... on a beach... during the summer... at a party... in your mouth. No wait, it's Bud Light & Clamato Chelada.

Taste

Honestly, what worries us the most is that we may never be able to enjoy another beer ever after we've tried this one. Combine the potential pleasure you'd get from eating the best food that the world has to offer, and you would have experienced about .0005% of the magic that this beer delivers. One sip of this synthesized perfection, and you're instantly teleported to the beautiful Mexican beaches, Veracruz forests, and the Sumidero Canyon Cliffs, in a future time when drug wars, poverty, and bad water were things of the past. You're surrounded by the world's largest party, and there is amazing Mexican cuisine all around. The best bartenders in the world are carefully crafting endless tropical drinks, and yes, you now know what it is like to eat dinosaur eggs a la mode. What makes this better is that this beer arouses the senses infinitely more than the real things that it emulates. Too bad there is a fairly long waiting list.

Our Take

A couple of years ago, we reviewed another life changing beer made by Anheuser-Busch, Bud Light Lime. To date, that was easily the best thing anyone has ever experienced. It was genuinely a special beer. It brought an end to various international conflicts (some of which were actually caused by this beer), and it restored an overall faith in humanity. Simply put, it set an impossible standard by which all other brewers were more than envious. Fast forward back to today, and Bud Light Lime, as good as it still is, seems a bit dated. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada is the newest king of beers, and it's Herculean rating was left a tick shy of a perfect 5.00 for the sole purpose of leaving a distinguishing spot for the upcoming Bud Light Clamato, Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh Chelada, which we expect will be the grandest, most satisfying thing ever made. It should be quite obvious that if you are the Sultan of Brunei, and you can somehow get your hands on a can of this beer, don't, for any reason, hesitate to enjoy its life changing characteristics. You will swear off all drugs, sex, and yes, even alcohol once you've had the once in a lifetime opportunity to be in the presence of this beverage. This beer makes for a perfect pairing option with literally everything edible or not, including every Girl Scout Cookie that has ever been made, or, we can say with the utmost confidence, will ever be made. It turns out that while actually sampling this beer, we've decided that we'll all pretty much retire from writing reviews, since there really is no point talking about a beer that isn't Bud Light & Clamato Chelada. But if you feel as though this rating has been slightly inflated, and if you're any bit skeptical about this beer's review and its publish date, follow this link for some enlightenment.